The Assorcist

This Article Originally Ran On Blumhouse.com

Madalin Ciculescu, a lawyer in Romania, had a problem and he didn’t know how to fix it. His house smelled. The living room had a constant smell of ass. The bedrooms reeked of poop. He would open the refrigerator and get slammed with a wave of rank odors, but everything in the fridge was still fresh.

Ciculescu cleaned his home. It didn’t help. He sprayed endless canisters of pleasant smells like “Summer Breeze” and “Autumn Rain”. Still, the house stank. He tried candles and air purifiers and everything else he could think of. The smells continued. Out of ideas, Ciculescu did what he had to do, he sued the Church.

Before Ciculescu’s home began to smell like used diapers, his office was stinking to high heaven. He had tried to get rid of the smells, but he knew he couldn’t. He knew that the odorous fumes weren’t caused by any rotting foods. He knew no human could create such eye-watering smells. No, Ciculescu was positive that his office was infested with demons. Worse, they were fart demons.

Ciculescu called on the local Orthodox church for help. Priests came to his place of business and sniffed around. They took their findings back to the Bishop Constantin Argatu who approved an exorcism of Ciculescu’s workplace. The priests grabbed their holy water and incense, as well as some clothes pins for their noses, and headed into battle with the fart demons. Four priests attempted to clear Ciculescu’s office of the rancid devils, but they failed. The priests were tough, but the demons squeaked out a victory.

Out of gas, the priests left Ciculescu, telling him that they had done all they could.

Soon after, it became clear to Ciculescu that the fart demons were pissed off. Now they were attacking his home. Not only were they stinking up the joint, but they were messing with Ciculescu’s electronics too. His TV would turn on and off randomly. A dark shadow would fly out of his mother’s hair-dryer. Ciculescu couldn’t live like this, and he figured that, since the priests had failed to help him, they should pay the costs for his move. Ciculescu explained to the court:

“If they (the accused) represent the way of God then God’s ways are crooked. They did not remove the demons that made these bad smells as they promised to do, and I still see all sorts of demons in the form of animals, usually crows but also other such things, that are making my life miserable.”

The courts in Romania disagreed. Not only did they feel that the priests did not owe Ciculescu anything, they figured Ciculescu should cover the trial costs for the priests. Ciculescu, undeterred by the ruling of the Romanian High Court, has taken his case to the European Court of Human Rights.

Ciculescu isn’t the only person who has had to deal with fart demons. Pastor Bert Farias, founder of Holy Fire Ministries and totally sane man believes that he has found the true cause of homosexulaity - smelly fart demons.

In his… let's be nice and call it an opinion piece… for charismanews.com (a site I went to so you don’t have to) after asking those who are gay or know someone who is gay to not get upset with him (he’s really just trying to help you!) totally not repressed Bert explained his theory…

“Here’s the raw, naked truth: Homosexuality is actually a demon spirit. It is such a putrid smelling demon that other demons don’t even like to hang around it. A genuine prophet of God told me that the Lord allowed him to smell this demon spirit, and he got sick to his stomach. And yet as humans, many embrace this demon. Yes, you heard me right. Being gay is demonic.

There is an account in the Bible where Jesus casts out 2,000 demons out of a man. The demons came out screaming and begged Jesus to send them into the pigs. The pigs didn’t want them, so they ran down a steep hill and were drowned in the sea. Pigs have more sense than some humans. People embrace homosexual demons, but the pigs would rather die than be possessed with demons.”

Sure is a good thing that old Bert asked us to not get upset with him before saying that homosexuals and those of us who accept homosexuality as not being evil have less sense than pigs, otherwise we may have thought he was a straight up moron.

According to Bert “I’m just trying to help” Farias, these stinky demons enter a person when that person chooses to be gay. I’m sure you all remember that totally real moment we all have when you decided what your sexuality would be.

Smelly butts and religion go way back. Supposedly, the Romans had a god of the broken wind, Crepitus. One would call on Crepitus when they were constipated and needed relief. The earliest mention of Crepitus can be found in the CLEMENTINE RECOGNITIONS, so there is some question as to the truth of the Romans worshiping a fart god. There is, however, the Judeo-Christian demon called Belphegor.

Belphegor, as the myth goes, is the demon of laziness and he will usually appear as a beautiful girl with offers of great wealth. If things don’t go well, a person would see the true form of Belphegor: a bearded, horned demon with razor sharp teeth and nails who sits on a toilet throne. Belphegor was a big hit with the Moabites on Mount Phegor in the Middle East who believed that one could only worship Belphegor, who feasted on the poop of humans, when they were cutting turds with their butt slicer.

So the next time you let one rip, instead of blaming it on the dog, why not say it was a demon? And if you happen to stink up the bathroom after a day of eating nothing but three-day old chili and drinking cheap beers, don’t feel bad, you’ve just created a hell of a dinner for Belphegor!